preserve overall motivation and che...
Week 5 of 26

dzsari commits to:
preserve my overall motivation rather than try to keep track of each shard

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Commitment Journal
January 16, 2017, 1:36 AM
My Voice Technique 101 class, which I paid a pretty penny for, started last week and I still haven't gotten myself to watch a lecture. I feel like I'm just lazy, but really I'm feeling afraid again. Why? What is it I'm afraid of? At first sight I'm afraid of failure but when you dig deeper I'm afraid of success.

Especially since this involves voice. I think there is the metaphorical meaning of voice too, in the sense of my chosen mode of expression/self-repr esentation for the world. I think I am often scared to try having a voice for fear that it will also work as a conduit back, and I will feel devastated by the feedback I get from people. That probably happened a lot when I was growing up, at pretty much every turn. Having a voice is like opening a channel to the world through which I in turn become vulnerable.

I am so scared to simply be in the world.

What is it I'm afraid of? I'm even more afraid of not having lived. Which is why I'm taking this Singer-Songwriter specialization to begin with.

I'm glad I worked this out. I think I had a lightbulb moment.

And maybe part of the fear is that I might discover that it's all even more meaningless than I think it is. By idealizing certain kinds of artistic activity maybe I'm holding on to the idea that they are pristine somehow. And maybe nothing is. Maybe everything is just a fucking mess.

And that's fine. I have to live. I'm 36 years old. Isn't it about time I started?
January 16, 2017, 1:25 AM
Btw, this interface kinda sucks. Like, I can't even insert hyperlinks. Maybe I should move this to some other kind of blogging platform. Mike, you know the web, do you have any suggestions?
January 16, 2017, 1:17 AM
So I keep "fucking up." Well, long weekend. And I also got a spot bonus from my skip-level manager the other day. Frakking enablers.

Seriously, I'm in debt. I have to etch in my brain "First get out of debt!" I have not had to pay any interest yet, but I am very close. It's not a good feeling to be in debt. It makes me anxious. I want to pay it all off.

I had two dates last week, Thursday and Friday respectively. I got anxious about those too a bit, and ended up "acting out" I suppose. One has no potential, the other has some potential. She recently got a divorce on account of her husband discovering that the meaning of life is to have children, and we have a pretty good intellectual connection apart from that too.

I think one of the biggest issues is how lonely and isolated I feel at the moment. As pathetic as this sounds, well, I'm not here to impress anyone am I, I think I end up paying a lot of money just for company, conversations, and physical affection. Whatever strip clubs have to do with sex at this point is something of an afterthought for me. It's good to be aware of this. I think it's a void that's been inside me for a very long time. I was usually alone as a child. I was worse than alone as a teenager, I just wasn't left alone, which made me think I like being alone. Yes, sometimes, but I also get exceedingly lonely. That's kind of the problem. So I try to fill this void with activity or what passes for activity, company or what passes for company.

Then again, it's also extremely possible, nay, probable, to feel lonely when you're in a relationship too. Here's one of my favorite songs by the masters of Turkish pop/rock MFÖ, the song title means "loneliness for life" (Ilknur might know this :-)): 2GS9oI7RRMk

It's probably not healthy to avoid the void. That's why I end myself in a flurry of activity, tired, and broke. Maybe just to accept that life is just that way?

Speaking of company or the illusion of it, for me there's a really elemental purpose that songs serve for me. I felt kept company more by songs than actual company a lot of the time. Maybe that's slightly pathological, but I'm thinking that if I feel lonely I can usually listen to some good music and feel a little less lonely. However I don't always do this.
January 16, 2017, 1:00 AM
Delta: It's that every little positive change you make in your behavior pushes the outcome in a positive way, however small. But the cumulative effect ends up being huge.
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