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Stay Disciplined with online dating... Star this Commitment
Week 30 of 30

palmer006 commits to:
Limit online dating activity to two timed hours on Sunday and follow-up messages through the week. No exceptions.
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My Commitment Journal
palmer006
palmer006
July 18, 2018, 1:43 AM
Here we come to the end. The priorities activity yesterday was helpful. As has been reading The Light of the World and Way of the Superior Man. I feel like I'm holding a lot of perspectives at once on this, which is a good place to be, as I can shift and latch onto whatever meaning will help me get through the day with both zest and groundedness. It's been quite the journey. I'm much more confident about dating, much more at peace, much more understanding of what I can change, understanding of what I can't, and what I just don't choose to put the time into developing.
palmer006
palmer006
July 10, 2018, 3:28 PM
Process-orientation without losing sight of clear goals that give shape to the process.

We've run an interesting spectrum in our dating culture over the past 30-40 years it seems, accelerating from courtship to 'let's see where this goes' much faster than we did from arranged marriage to courtship in centuries' past. This still emerging but possibly adolescent, fairly Buddhist-influenced dating culture privileges control and reifies what might be called the anti-Hollywood 'adult' American view of relationships, which are rational, based on agreements and shared values, and for which feelings are optional and must be controlled.

What's true and helpful about this now mainstream view is that feelings will always arise and fall depending on the fluctuations in a relationship. It's important to understand one's commitment not just to another person, but to the projects, society, and larger sense of Being that the relationship serves. This is what's important about the adult view, which has finally, at least amongst 25+ year olds, overcome the overly romantic view of relationship formation, vanquishing the 'feelings trump everything view' for many. Of course, everyone feels they are special, they are taking it slow, everyone else dives in, but my observation is that actually, that's the norm amongst adults now.

What this view misses is the potential for romance that solidies the pair bond, and, taking place between two people who while imperfect, have largely owned their shit, is not based on a desire for mutual salvation but rather mutual purpose. The Highly Sensitive person in love puts it best, that some of us can use romance as a way of connecting with 'essential spirit' that same sexual energetic void that is experienced in spiritual Ecstasy, because sexuality is spirituality.

Carving out the time and maintaining the hope for both romantic chemistry and purpose is not easy, and commitments vary wildly to either of those worthy ends seperately, to say nothing of together (and a third element, which I think I am willing to sacrifice, but would love to have in addition, sexual chemistry).

I would like to approach dating as a practice of keeping me in communion with Feminine energy while single. Like contemporary dating culture encourages, I don't want to push too strong an agenda too soon on where things go. Unlike contemporary dating culture, I also want to trust my heart and intuition as much as a co-partner in exploration with my body and mind, rather than see it subjugated. There is no vitality in that. Ondrea and Susanna's dating adventures have the feel of placid, perhaps even flaccid adulthood. This is why I am not a Buddhist. My goal is not, actually, to rid myself of all desire for a mate. I actually want to become worthy, in some way, of someone that I'm deeply drawn to - that's not a problem for me, it's a motivation. This is a perfectly tribal, biological, worthy goal, and fuck the body-denial-ism that fears passion and would run from the potential of love just to avoid its immature forms.

I do have to hold this desire with non-attachment, though. I will find the woman I'm with next when I finally arrive at that place where I can hold space with a woman I'm deeply drawn to without the energy knocking me off purpose. Because I'm such a high leverage individual, this will be fucking intense when I get there, and very difficult to get to because so much energy flows through me. Vanilla sex, when connected, is absolutely overwhelming.

I have two visions, and I think they are ultimately the same: one sees me finding a relationship, and one that ends up working for a long-time, sometime soon. Another sees this a long, arduous 10-year journey, along which I do develop some lothlorio characteristics as I so hope, but ending up in the same place - a successful intimacy. And it's also possible that I find nothing that lasts.

What's important is treating dating as a practice, enjoying it, not allowing it to grow stale or become an obligation, keeping it oriented towards mission, and ultimately making sure I serve my dates and a larger purpose through the whole endeavor. If I can do that, I've done what I wanted to do with my dating and sexual life given my own limits and the world's limits. The outcome, while important and relevant, will have to flow out of that, or not.
palmer006
palmer006
July 3, 2018, 9:12 AM
I suppose this was a fail week because I probably spent four hours Sunday night getting set up on multiple dating sites. My new discipline with this that I have a half hour slot each day for all follow-ups or new messages. Some days, I won't be able to get to this half hour slot. I don't want to rush into anything, but I don't want to wait around 5 years just seeing where things go with 8 people either, and I've of course found the requisite vein of online articles that back up this approach to dating.

Some of the highlights that have shaped my current approach:

*"Of course, dating creates pressure and tension and can initially feel awkward, so many opt for "hanging out" or "meeting up." If you remove all of the tension, though, you have started a relationship with someone who believes you have no expectations other than casual fun. At some point, however, you may want more. It is very difficult for couples who start their relationship at the low rung of “hanging out” to evolve all the way up the ladder to real commitment."
--Maggie just evaluates her dates on whether or not she had fun and the level of low effort that went into obtaining the date, basically. She's also 30. At some level deep down, women do want long-term relationships and love, but their unwillingness to settle leaves many of them striking out into homes and the like on their own, like her, and like Audra.


*Some relationships endure for years even though the negative signs were on display at the beginning.
---Ondrea has talked about how she's realizing this was going on in her relationships. This is, basically, I think, what we've done on the liberal/urban side of the spectrum in the name of limitless options, limitless time, and not wanting to be tied to the old model. We subconsciously act as if our time is unlimited and we don't have to deal with the daemon's leading in relationship, and then we're 45 and pretend we never wanted a relationship that lasted. It's all too convenient to believe this given the difficulty of establishing a career, but it's just true. Yet the conservative model of choosing someone you can bring home to Mom and dealing with any bad fit or anything you don't want personally is clearly flawed, too.

Instead of trying to populate my calendar with lots of dates in order to {gasp} finally have sex, I've given up on that. This isn't something that's just popped into my head, I've been wrestling with it all along the way - the country songs about commitment, the longing and even journaling that my sexual healing (and possibly someone else's, too) would need to take place in relationship, that whole perspective has been there this whole time.

I must be very careful not to get too serious too fast, despite my belief that I don't necessarily need to date someone for 5 years to marry them. There is a happy medium. The key will be very harshly evaluating how things are going based on what's most important to me. Yet if my experiences in April and May are any indication, I also need to just not get surprised by success and learn how to handle it more than be worried about the wrong person.

I do still hold onto a kind of romanticism, over and against the objections of Justin, both coaches, and a host of other sources. But I think I can have it all. I think I can have that good, stable, boring love based on a great and intimate friendship, and have that flow out of the mutual respect that is the ultimate source of the good kind of romantic feelings, the kind that transmutes into something lasting.
palmer006
palmer006
June 27, 2018, 2:03 AM
Well, latest thoughts on this are that I'm finally ready to let any notion that I'll be a ladies man die a merciful death...I believe that I could be that, but there are other, more conservative elements of life that I just value more - becoming physically tougher, deepening friendships, growing our community, learning to stop blaming other people for my shit, etc. So there's not much time left to hone my very lacking social skills into anything resembling 'game'. This leaves what my deepest journals have always been leading, which is to start to seriously date, choose judiciously, and start looking earnestly (not rushed, but more than the lackadaisical pace most millennials move at now) for a long-term partner, and not really do much else dating wise. I give up on the quest for casual sex, basically.

I'm having no trouble keeping to the commitment lately as my desire for friendship, 3P, and working all my personal development activities squeezes out time to pine for dating.

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Displaying 1-4 of 30 results.
July 10 to July 17
Successful
Success
Success

jglandwe
jglandwe
- Referee approval report
palmer006
palmer006
- Committed user success report
Here we come to the end. The priorities activity yesterday was helpful. As has been reading The Light of the World and Way of the Superior Man. I feel like I'm holding a lot of perspectives at once on this, which is a good place to be, as I can shift and latch onto whatever meaning will help me get through the day with both zest and groundedness. It's been quite the journey. I'm much more confident about dating, much more at peace, much more understanding of what I can change, understanding of what I can't, and what I just don't choose to put the time into developing.
July 3 to July 10
Successful
Success
Success

jglandwe
jglandwe
- Referee approval report
palmer006
palmer006
- Committed user success report
Process-orientation without losing sight of clear goals that give shape to the process. We've run an interesting spectrum in our dating culture over the past 30-40 years it seems, accelerating from courtship to 'let's see where this goes' much faster than we did from arranged marriage to courtship in centuries' past. This still emerging but possibly adolescent, fairly Buddhist-influenced dating culture privileges control and reifies what might be called the anti-Hollywood 'adult' American view of relationships, which are rational, based on agreements and shared values, and for which feelings are optional and must be controlled. What's true and helpful about this now mainstream view is that feelings will always arise and fall depending on the fluctuations in a relationship. It's important to understand one's commitment not just to another person, but to the projects, society, and larger sense of Being that the relationship serves. This is what's important about the adult view, which has finally, at least amongst 25+ year olds, overcome the overly romantic view of relationship formation, vanquishing the 'feelings trump everything view' for many. Of course, everyone feels they are special, they are taking it slow, everyone else dives in, but my observation is that actually, that's the norm amongst adults now. What this view misses is the potential for romance that solidies the pair bond, and, taking place between two people who while imperfect, have largely owned their shit, is not based on a desire for mutual salvation but rather mutual purpose. The Highly Sensitive person in love puts it best, that some of us can use romance as a way of connecting with 'essential spirit' that same sexual energetic void that is experienced in spiritual Ecstasy, because sexuality is spirituality. Carving out the time and maintaining the hope for both romantic chemistry and purpose is not easy, and commitments vary wildly to either of those worthy ends seperately, to say nothing of together (and a third element, which I think I am willing to sacrifice, but would love to have in addition, sexual chemistry). I would like to approach dating as a practice of keeping me in communion with Feminine energy while single. Like contemporary dating culture encourages, I don't want to push too strong an agenda too soon on where things go. Unlike contemporary dating culture, I also want to trust my heart and intuition as much as a co-partner in exploration with my body and mind, rather than see it subjugated. There is no vitality in that. Ondrea and Susanna's dating adventures have the feel of placid, perhaps even flaccid adulthood. This is why I am not a Buddhist. My goal is not, actually, to rid myself of all desire for a mate. I actually want to become worthy, in some way, of someone that I'm deeply drawn to - that's not a problem for me, it's a motivation. This is a perfectly tribal, biological, worthy goal, and fuck the body-denial-ism that fears passion and would run from the potential of love just to avoid its immature forms. I do have to hold this desire with non-attachment, though. I will find the woman I'm with next when I finally arrive at that place where I can hold space with a woman I'm deeply drawn to without the energy knocking me off purpose. Because I'm such a high leverage individual, this will be fucking intense when I get there, and very difficult to get to because so much energy flows through me. Vanilla sex, when connected, is absolutely overwhelming. I have two visions, and I think they are ultimately the same: one sees me finding a relationship, and one that ends up working for a long-time, sometime soon. Another sees this a long, arduous 10-year journey, along which I do develop some lothlorio characteristics as I so hope, but ending up in the same place - a successful intimacy. And it's also possible that I find nothing that lasts. What's important is treating dating as a practice, enjoying it, not allowing it to grow stale or become an obligation, keeping it oriented towards mission, and ultimately making sure I serve my dates and a larger purpose through the whole endeavor. If I can do that, I've done what I wanted to do with my dating and sexual life given my own limits and the world's limits. The outcome, while important and relevant, will have to flow out of that, or not.
June 26 to July 3
Not Successful
Not Successful
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June 19 to June 26
Successful
Success
Success

jglandwe
jglandwe
- Referee approval report
palmer006
palmer006
- Committed user success report
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This contract has reverted to non-financial on 8 Jan 2018
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