markgrenader
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Think about death every day
Star this Commitment
Week 8 of 8
markgrenader commits to:
Take 5-15 min a day (everyday) to meditate on/think about death
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No more reports due
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My Commitment Journal
 markgrenader
September 27, 2018, 1:23 AM
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Spilled tea on laptop. Need to complete our journal Definitely thought about death every day. But did I really stop what I was doing? Should probably pause and journal. Not just meditate |
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markgrenader
September 19, 2018, 7:00 PM
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Overall 1.5 Failures :: 5.5 Successes 9/12/18 I started Stickk today. See note entry. Seems I’ll have to keep this going myself. I have two separate alarms set during the day in my schedule. I want to see if I can have as abstract of a “referee” as just understanding that I should do this truthfully for this course. During the fire drill, Lisa mentioned that she’d started TED Radio hour. The most recent episode was on Dying Well… Go figure. Having not listened for a while, I gave it a listen. The first segment brought me to tears which I haven’t really had in months to this extent. I just finished reading “You May Want to Marry My Husband” and it too brought me to tears. And I sat and meditated on death. I want so much more out of life and I felt subdued fear and anxiety about it ending earlier than I want. I want a marriage as described by Amy. I want to do big things that help a lot of people. I want to explore as much of this universe as I can. I have the imagination to be able to understand these things and for that reason I don’t want life to be cut short before I can do them. But I only have so much control. So I am so grateful for the life I’ve stumbled into, and hope to get as much as I can from what I have remaining. 9/13 I’d thought about death multiple times earlier that day. But hadn’t really stopped what I was doing and paused to think. I was in the bathroom at Frankford Hall. Was really looking forward to it since when we’d planned it the day before. It was supposed to be a reunion of M&T squad. Jake, Micah, Sina, Omkar, Cristina, Hana. But then people started showing up late. There was a vague drizzle. There was no fire pit. Jake brought Gabi. And it just kind of digressed. But I still so much enjoyed my time and those people. Even if it didn’t meet expectation, it was still wonderful. And I want to continue to be able to experience life. For the moments that don’t meet your expectations but are still so wonderful. For those moments that exceed your expectations. To discover, to explore, to satiate curiosity. 9/14 Again it took until later in the night to pause and think about death. It seems to be a trend over the past 3 records that it pops up informally when I’m truly enjoying life. I catch myself really in the moment and I guess pull myself out. And I’m just so grateful for the people I’m around. People that I can call my friends. Before people headed over to shack, we were all just chilling on the 2nd floor landing chatting away. Matteo, Juanca, Jake, Mickey, Sood, Arthur. Just great people. lucky 9/15 Failure over all - Thought about this in minor segments throughout the day. But didn’t really stop at any point to really think about it. Would consider today a failure. Closest I came was while running. Feeling miserable, but seeing beautiful trees across the schuykill and just being happy to be alive to experience them 9/16 Pure bliss in terms of weather and separation on the roof. Standing in the sun through the tree after PJ had gone down was encapsulated bliss. Was grateful I could experience and I kept in the back of my head what it would be to have all experience end. Just an emptiness. Followed by gratefulness for the moment. Then walking to pick up Han before chapter, across Market was the medical center. Someone in a wheelchair wrapped in medical gown and connected to an IV, clearly in bad shape, with a family member near by. Just outside to enjoy the simple pleasure of the blissful air and warm color of the sun. But a moment shaded with failing health and all of the resulting emotional implications. Death could come whenever. And it’s sheer bliss to experience it. The ups and getting through the downs. 9/17 Failure - Frankly can’t remember stopping to think about this 9/18 Bored in class. OIDD 290, a basic decision processes class. But some people really don’t get some very basic statistics. Maybe that’s not fair. CIS 160 gave me a strong foundation and STAT 430 and 431 didn’t hurt even if I don’t remember much from that. But I always saw a lot of these statistics based biases as confirming what I was seeing around me and discounting even before I had any foundation in counting or statistics. Anyways, I knew I was about to zone out to preserve my sanity, so I stopped paying attention in class and thought about dying. Thought about the most recent near-death experience back in April? March? Leading the run in the snow. Maybe cue habit with boredom and lead to gratefulness? |
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markgrenader
September 12, 2018, 5:28 PM
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I need to do a little bit more research about this app. Will it notify me? Do I need to set better reminders for myself? How do I structure those reminders so that they don’t become background noise I should journal conclusions from every single day |
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