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Stop abusing my prescription pills
Star this Commitment
Day 7 of 183
maxie45 commits to:
Only take vyvanse once a day at regular dose or half dose, only allowed extra if dose was taken too early and concentration truly wore off. Do not take lorazapem unless TRULY needed, can't take for mild discomfort, can only take for moderate-severe discomfort/medical necessity. Ideally no more than 1x per week, 2x absolute max, smoking counts as a full relapse except on designated rare days, drinking during the week or taking lorazapem for mild discomfort count as non perfect
3
3
Last reported: Success
Next report due:
December 30
7:00 AM GMT
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My Commitment Journal
 maxie45
December 29, 2025, 8:39 AM
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| HI everyone, I don't think the group accountability is helping me, so I'm going to remove you all and make this private. Thanks so much for the support! | |
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maxie45
December 28, 2025, 2:30 PM
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| I spent a lot of time working on motivational materials, to look at in the morning, all the reasons why I need to moderate, and to look at when I'm having bad cravings. I hope it helps a bit. I don't know, I really feel like I've tried almost everything and nothing seems to be working. None of the "skills" or "coping tools" are helping, I've tried every one I could possibly find. I've tried professional help multiple times, and none of them helped me even a tiny bit. I kind of don't know what to do. | |
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maxie45
December 28, 2025, 2:27 PM
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| I didn't really have much of an excuse to be honest, still feeling kind of raw from day before, but this shit's just insanely insanely difficult at the end of the day. If I could just work all day through cravings it would be so much easier, but they cloud my brain and concentration, and I get really upset when I can't work. I took a bunch of vyvanse yesterday, kept taking it all day. I only had a couple glasses of wine because it was a drinking day. Took some lorazapem because I was feeling extremely anxious and paranoid. | |
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maxie45
December 27, 2025, 7:49 AM
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| Today was a rough day to begin with, but i was determined to make it through. Things were already quite bad, I was having bad cravings, just feeling my addiction was so brutal and hopeless, I was out telling my mom how much I wanted to work, and my dad overheard, and said "you know if you want to work, they're hiring down at mcdonalds. Oh I forgot, you can only work SPECIAL JOBS" he knows I'm on disability and unable to work and that I am trying my hardest to start my own business because that is literally the only option open to me. I went out later to tell him that I was not above working at mcdonalds and would do ti if I was capable of it, but was simply not capable, but he cut me off and yelled, "get out of here, don't worry about it!" I went in the bedroom to tell my mom I was a bit upset, and she said let's go for a drive, on our way out my dad yelled, unprompted, "Drive her to the river and just leave her there with all the homeless bums!" and my mom said "you know what you said earlier upset them" and he yelled "Oh yeah, right, like I care, they upset me every day!!!" I don't really know how I "upset" him I suppose just by being mentally ill and living in the same house with him even though we rarely speak or interact and I mostly keep to myself in my room 95% of the time I'm at home. But anyway, that just really threw me off, I sobbed for hours after, and was extremely upset. So I ended up taking vyvanse and lorazapem because I could not deal with my emotions. I was already upset and on edge to begin with, but still holding line, but it is very difficult to recover living in an emotionally abusive household where you might get yelled at out of nowhere that you're "so fucking lazy" for being disabled and unable to work a typical job(another thing my dad yelled at me once, completely unprovoked" I felt bad about using, I feel like I'm really fucking this up and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it or if this system will help, but when my dad is that cruel to me when I'm already at my wit's end to begin with and visibly suffering, I just need something to take the pain away. It's extremely frustrating. | |
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