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Complete Chapter 1
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My Commitment Journal
 awetosprouts
January 23, 2018, 6:36 AM
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Steve Nobel and Confidence I've been meditating a lot with his guided meditations and they've returned my confidence bit by bit. |
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awetosprouts
January 23, 2018, 6:35 AM
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"No Coping Skills" Another day, I didn't draw. A shithead told me I have no coping skills, and laughed at how little I do. I was mad. It may have been a mistake to burn more bridges like this. But hey, a Jew did it to me (I am emulating them, not being anti-semitic) so it must be alright. Why do people say hateful things? You know what's my coping mechanism? REMOVE SHIT HEADS FROM MY LIFE fuck off I feel better now I think back to people who are no longer in my life now, and tbh my life IS better for it. There are still some people I miss, but they've distanced themselves from me too / never reached back out to me. I wish I could fade like that instead of blocks. Oh well. I should stop harboring hate. And let go of this feelings of failure. Stress isn't good for me. How dare he? HOW *DARE* he say that, you know? He doesn't know my history. He doesn't fucking know I spent the past 2 years on anti epileptics- the "coping" has nothing to do with it. I'm perfectly capable of coping and doing far more than he thinks I can. However my health's been bad, so I've had to scale back, which killed my confidence. I'm not the one doing drugs and alcohol! HOW. DARE. HE. He doesn't know how many fucking times I went to the psychiatric ward because of comments like this. OH BOO HOO I should develop better coping skills then! WELL I DID. I HAVENT BEEN TO ONE SINCE JULY. HOW. DARE. HE. FUCK OF! Anyways I should develop some nayways. FUCK! I do have some! I'm learning from today and planning my schedule better for tomorrow. I've already exercised good self control by not going on 4chan until past 4pm Just. I'm going to assume he's projecting. Why do people say hurtful things? I've been reading the old testament (Pentateuch?) and its (613!) laws and you know what, if Jews really do follow each one to the letter or at least keep them in mind, no wonder they are so successful! How many times do I break commitments? "If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth." Numbers 30:3 A SIN! It is COMMANDED by God not to break vows! (In this context, vows were meant for abstinence, but that doesn't make sense, because how can a wife accidentally make a vow and her husband doesn't object in time? Does that mean they won't have sex for the rest of their lives? So I believe this to mean commitments in general) Imagine how seriously they take a vow! Breaking a vow is a SIN! It's breaking a law of God! And when you sin, He turns His face away from you, and you're cursed with all kinds of things like iron sky and bronze ground, no rain, no food. No wonder! Can you imagine taking commitments so seriously? Why not I? All over the internet, they say for a Christian like me (and if I were not a Christian I would not be saved, nor enter a covenant with the Lord and I do believe in Him with all my heart) none of the Mosaic laws matter. Why? Should I make my own evaluations? And even though these laws seem so straightforward, there's actually a lot of questions from the bible, and lots of people devote their whole lives to studying and raising these questions. No wonder people always tell us to study the Bible! It is for our own good! (Well, you hear about these fanatics all the time who beat their children or lock them away in gay camps) Heck, even I am starting to reconsider my BL gay fantasies as my faith grows... AH! Back to the point, about Christians not needing to follow those laws (and why I wonder and want answers from the Bible and not take things at face value from what others interpret) 1. The laws are actually good points; but because Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice we are forgiven for breaking all of them 2. Jesus expands on the laws, such as instead of being unfaithful, even looking at another woman is considered adultery! Instead of just murder, holding hatred in your heart is already a sin! So in that case we're sinning all the time, right? What about when we just do things that are wrong, and not because they're sins? (such as procrastination) Which brings to the next point (from that cursory google search) "Everytime you do something you know is wrong, but do it anyways, you are sinning." Then I wondered, what's the difference between doing something wrong, and sinning? The answer... I realized, is nothing. They are the same thing. Then I realize how serious it is when I: procrastinate, hate, envy, sleep late (I consider it wrong, so evidently...) these are all sins! And immediately, I prayed for forgiveness for all of them, and then asked for strength to avoid temptations like that. I know I am forgiven anyways, but man. Dang. I feel so ... wow. Amazed. I've taken a new light towards this whole "commitment" thing! I was listening to "business secrets of the bible" (I haven't listened to audibles for fun since things got going) and some insights really astonished me lately about commitment, and made me... more commited?! 1. Why not be commited? - Jordan Peterson 2. Commitment is liberation. - From Business Secresta AND Discipline is freedom For instance, a rule such as sleeping early, liberates us tomorrow to be fresh and bright eyed. A time constraint to your freetime forces you to pick and focus on only ONE thing, which you will do excellently instead of having the freedom to chose and then choosing nothing 3. Enthusiasm is a choice. You can CHOOSE to be interested in something. CHOOSE to be good at it. So... a lot has changed my mind lately, for the better perhaps. I already knew in March to "be commited" but I seem to lose my way once things really get going (like tonight, when I despaired about not being able to draw again) but that's my responsibility. I... suddenly don't feel like crying or blaming myself - I do blame myself, but I also realize, I can do better. I am a man of steel. I do need to commit. I will get no where being wishy washy. Also the em... what is it... Hydroxyzine seems to be messing with my mind. I was still anxious today anyways, so I don't think anti anxiety pills do much. I think it's messing with my cognitive retainment - lmao shit. So does stress and poor sleeping habits. I wish it was September - December again! I need to be productive. and I shall. I'm setting up a schedule and sleeping soon. so in summary 1. Everytime I do the wrong thing - that's a sin 2. Every time I break a commitment - that's a sin Atheists be damned (not literally, save them all) "Lol, you don't need a book to tell you right and wrong, you should know better you shouldn't need a sky papa" You're right, I do know better, but I needed it anyways. It's right. It's a very serious matter. Do what is right. I do need God. I need his backing. It's one thing to write down something on a piece of paper, but another thing to have it notarized. Here it is. The right thing to do - but now a law notarized by God. |
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awetosprouts
January 19, 2018, 3:22 AM
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Scared I've lost all confidence in myself. pic related. |
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awetosprouts
January 18, 2018, 7:50 PM
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| No Matter What, You Are Guarenteed an Adventure! | |
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