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28 Days of Custom Monasticism Star this Commitment
Week 4 of 4

palmer006 commits to:
The Whole suite of positive activities that opens my best self, for 4 weeks.
*vegetables with every full meal
*morning practice every day
*evening practice and consistent bedtime, every day
*some form of exercise daily, completing full regimen
*only instrumental music at work, attitude of focus (except job search calls/matters)
*attend all committed martial arts meets, small groups, men's groups
*keep lunch calendar packed
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Commitment Journal
palmer006
palmer006
February 20, 2018, 1:03 PM
I've discovered that very tenuous balance of discipline and joy. I'm so energized by the things going in my life that a consistent bedtime has almost ceased being an issue, and yet that feels ok, strangely. As long as there's a strong 'why' to pick me up in the morning, I am filled with love to push through. And yet, I still like maintaining practices, and it remains true that when I drift away from these practices I become much more vulnerable to groundlessness, which leads to more frequent and more intense shame events.
palmer006
palmer006
February 13, 2018, 11:58 AM
Found the answer, at least for now. My physical confidence will always be limited, and I need to come to terms with that. I do think I can get enough to have some very basic ways of defending myself against someone with no fight skills, and that alone will bring me a ton of confidence. I'll just have to let go of any notion of being a 'top fighter', which is good because I don't know that I'd care to do so even if I could magically manifest the potential tomorrow. The reason this is important is that I do think having confidence in my ability to defend myself and others is connected to feelng aware of my body and to my spiritual path in general.
A shame cycle blew up a lot of this stuff, but it ended up being a blessing that it happened so close to the men's retreat; I was re-triggered at the retreat and went through it while sitting there. I got to sit through all the mixed emotions, the caretaking, etc., and understand that people do it because they care about me. It's sometimes an impossible task to give me the right mix of truth and love, and when that happens, I need to find it in the earth, in the eternal, in nothingness, a nothingness which ironically feeds me with the strength to pursue the pursuits and passions that will ultimately pass away from all knowledge/existence on earth.
So...where does this get back to this project? It means I need to focus on the practices that I have found over the years prevent, shorten, and heal this cycle.
Daily meditation...I just can't tell...I feel like it could be useful, but only in the right energy sequence.
The thing I need most is groundedness...maintaining connection to the earth, and beyond that, to many great people so that when one person is my enemy in the moment, I maintain my connection with those who are my friends in the moment, and stand firm.

To (usually) push away reactivity, or at least use its initital information. Keep that faith in the earth, faith in the earth.

Morning:

* Grounding
* lying on ground, breathing, Systema
* Cutting practice, necklace awarenss


Evening:

* Philosophical Meditation

* other journaling prompts?
* Journaling
* Meditation
* Reading funny books, enjoyable books



palmer006
palmer006
February 6, 2018, 2:06 PM
Shame. Today's morning practice was hugging my dog for 20 minutes because I feel so vulnerable and sensitive to the world. I've tried to listen to my football coach and martial arts coach and life coach and be anti-fragile for 30 years, and it just never seems to happen. It makes it hard to stick to goals and things. I guess I am the face of the millennial fragility crisis. Life is hard, and people pay a deep emotional price for staying with goals no matter what and all these toughness/hardness constructs. I'm not sure it's worth it, and I can't seem to 'force' myself to be more successful but less emotionally in tune anyway, much as I often want to.
palmer006
palmer006
January 30, 2018, 9:53 AM
Being lenient and giving this to myself. Very lenient. But also not, I've been pretty consistently at it. I attended my stuff. I only deviated from plan when an illness, possibly caused by said plan, came up. Idk, it's all good these practices. The rub this week is to stick with them even when I'm feeling cheeky/nihilistic.
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Money to a friend ($50.00 to jglandwe per failed reporting period)
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Total at stake: $200.00
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