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leafboy
No drugs and p*rn Star this Commitment
Week 4 of 5

leafboy commits to:
Not consuming any drugs, which includes marijuana and caffeine. Also, detox from p*rn is just tagging along in here..
2
1
Last reported: Success
Next report due:
August 14
4:00 AM GMT
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My Commitment Journal
leafboy
leafboy
August 8, 2022, 4:30 AM
I have been a good boy recently :)
I do feel though because school is starting up again, it is helping me get my act together. Especially since I am starting the teaching program this semester, the pressure to be on my best on top of my game and striving for excellence while not being a perfectionist is a balance I am working on.
I wrote about it this a lil while ago, but I wrote to myself and asked "Why does striving for excellence trigger me?" Why not strive for excellence? If I know that I did not put my absolute best into something, then it is comforting to stay in that headspace which says 'Hey, you know you could of done more… you just chose not to'. But why would you choose not to? Because it is scary to think that if I did put my absolute everything into something, that it wasn’t enough” I believe these insights reveal that my ego doesn't want to be damaged. It's afraid of being upset so it protects itself from facing something by avoiding an activity.
Of course, the revelation I hear about these types of things is that you must face your fears. I will be put into situations where I do not know the answer, and must provide one anyways. Do I have the bravado to be in face with my fear and accept how the situation will play out.
My romanticized picture of a teacher, is that they are one who is a model for the youth. Someone who strives to learn, and strive to be better. As for myself, my mind will find evidence to solidify a belief system that I am not good enough so it is a wasted effort to strive to learn and be better. It is a really self destructing mentality because if one does not strive to be better, they will not get better and honestly may degenerate because of the principle of "Either use it or lose it"
God is the light that can guide me. All I can do is breath. be calm, and traverse through the murkiness which leaks from my own creation.
ZaneB
ZaneB
August 5, 2022, 3:33 PM
Makes sense. I mean the shrooms were also a violation of the "not consuming any drugs" commitment, although I understand it helped you to gain some insights.
leafboy
leafboy
August 4, 2022, 5:05 PM
I did not mention this in the previous report, but I smoked some ganja during the calm down phase fromnthe shroom trip. I do not entirely regret it, as now I know that I do not enjoy weed and shroom together. Because I did smoke, I will take an L on this streak.
ZaneB
ZaneB
July 31, 2022, 7:53 PM
I've been away from a reliable internet connection for the past week. It sounds like you've had some good discoveries. I think it's great that you opened up to your group about this struggle. I'm interested to know how your session with the counselor goes this week, although I understand it will probably take more than one time.
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Total at stake: $50.00
Stakes per period: $10.00
Remaining Stakes: $20.00
Total Money Lost: $10.00
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